Life changing decision changes.

Whatever is in the song of Clay Aiken titled Everything I Have, says what I feel right now, this very moment.

I just wished this didn't have to happen. I really don't know you. Who are you, baby? I want to know what's on your mind. Now that we are apart, you seem so different and reserved. And on the other hand, I feel that I want to share everything from my past with you, and not hide anything. If there's anything you'd need to know, I'd rather you hear it from me first-hand. What's wrong, baby? Was it your past? Was it me? Was it not meant to happen? Or is it you? Or my past? What, what is wrong??

By the way, I love the fudge. I never really knew what in the world fudge was, always thought it was just an adjective! I never realized my choice of music was so bizarre until I met you. I've never cooked an aubergine until I was given one! I've never been there, until I was with you. I've never said straight in the face to any guy that I like him, until I met you. Yes, there may be a first time for everything, but they mean a lot to me! Because it's not just any first time thing! But sunshine, what do they mean to you?

But you're gone, so far away. It would be crazy to make this decision I want to make. But I want to. To know if we were meant to meet or not. To know the reason we met. To get to know you better. And also so you can know me better. It's quite a lot of kilommetres away if you come to think of it... And 3 hours time difference is really hard to keep up!

I'd go immediately if I have connections. And I will make it happen.

I do, really like you.

On transit.

I had a pre-Christmas present and a post-Christmas present from you. Spoke to you on the evening before Christmas day, and spent another lot of amazing hours with you on the second day after Christmas. Again I cried. But this time stronger.

I'm feeling sick. Wanna throw up, my tummy hurts, and it's worst than cramps, my heart aches, my head spins. I hope I'll be okay. I hope you've had a nice holiday, not only you spent time with you family and friends, but also because we met.

It was Nic who suggested the chopsticks. Hehe! I'll be honest. And I told her she's crazy cause chopsticks symbolizes marriage to Chinese. But after looking at how pretty they looked, I considered. And only because I knew I amazed you with how I ate my noodles, I thought I'd get you something to remind you of me. So don't worry, I look 90% Chinese, but I don't think 90% Chinese! So they're for you to have Japanese at home!

Thank you for the Fudge! =) You're making me fat.. But I'll listen, one a day only.

I'm missing you, so badly. I really don't know why this hurts so much. I can't wait to hear from you in 4 more hours! I can't wait till the next time we meet again.

Baby you're one of the best things that's happened in my life. Also the top 5 best things that happened this year. And the Best thing that has happened in the month of December.

There's so much more I need to know about you, so much more about myself I want to tell you.
I look forward to all of you!

with much love, darling,
avril

I'm beyond words,

If I had to stop looking, I'd stop at you.
You're amazing.
I really like you.
I need you.
I couldn't ask for more.
I hope you feel the same.
Or at least it's not just for this vacation?
You drive me crazy.
I want to keep you.
What can I do?
I hate this part.
Hold me tight.
I'm losing my mind.
I don't want to see you go.
I think I might have fallen for you.

A Nut Case.

Hey you, of all places and time to meet. When I first saw you, I was beyond words. Then I talked to you, and I talked non-stop. When I thought I talked to much, I all of a sudden had nothing to say. And when we both want to say something, we interrupt each other. You're amazing. This sounds crazy, but from what I've seen in you, if I had to stop looking, I'd stop at you. I've never had anyone say something so meaningful to a woman before, at least to me. I've received tarts, I've received flowers, but never an aubergine. You are one of a kind. I'm crazy for you, I am. The time spent together, I enjoyed a lot. I don't want to forget. I don't know if you're just charming me, like you do to every other girl, but I know I'm out of my mind. I have thought, the moment you said you leave on Sunday, what's going to happen to me?! Then I think, would this be taken a step farther? And true enough, who knew, you are so amazing. I'm beyond words in describing you. If you're reading this, Mr. Nut Breath, I really like you but I don't know what I should do.

red

ever felt like your life was planned out for you? Never get to do the things you want to do? Ever felt like the whole world has everything in your hands? Ever woke up on day saying 'I need to get a life' or 'why am I living?' ?? Ever felt so mad, you could hit your head on the wall, just because you don't want to create a commotion and argue? ever hated yourself so much you hit yourself and feel numb? ever wanted to runaway so far, you don't want to come back? ever felt like you're never going to succeed in life if this fucking shit goes on? ever felt like you have no control over the things you wish to do? ever felt like, even your fucking day is planned out, and no you cannot make changes? ever felt like biting your lips cause you're mad, biting till you bleed? ever felt like you're trying to make a difference but no you're not fucking allowed? ever felt neglected of love? ever felt the neglect of love, over MONEY? fuck this life.

But you broke me, now I can't feel anything.

*but you broke me, now I can't feel anything.
*Oh it tears me up, I try to hold on but it hurts too much, I tried to forgive but it's not enough to make it all okay.
*Oh the truth hurts and lies worse, how can I give anymore, when I love you a little less, than before?

But no, I don't want to hold you again. Dont want to feel again. Let me go.
James Morrison and Nelly Furtado - Broken Strings

I'm here to talk about the pathetic part of my life again, although there's the rest of my life which is pretty amazing.

I just can't believe that this is how you want things to end. I was made a fool, falling for you, thinking you feel the same and we both will be the ones to make each other happy. When you said that we will talk about it soon, I was a little confused. Talk about it, meaning you'll tell me you feel the same and want us to be together? Oh wait, but then why does it seem like such a serious matter?

And when you said there are mutual agreements I had thought wrong. And you're stupid enough to stop explaining when I asked you to stop. You stop when you have to, but you didn't have to because I didn't know who it really was/is!

You expected me to forgive you? I don't know if I really did. I've been telling myself I'm done, but I still think of you. Shit, I'm in deep shit. Because you, you were the one to hurt me, yet you're the one who plays all jealous and bitchy. I don't get you, no one does! He's just a friend, and I couldn't have him along? Bitch.

Do you really expect me to believe the things you said? It's not that it's too late when we met again. Say it, you don't like me enough to leave her. Is it so hard? And if you really have feelings for me, more than her, you could've made a difference and not lead her on to nowhere. But no, you chose the easy way out perhaps. Yes, you were fooling yourself. You've never asked me this, but if you ever asked yourself, yes you're a bastard. I think I deserve to have friends, after being hurt by you. Why not? Just because I told you I'm in love with you, and that makes me guilty for having a friend along?

If anyone should know I've been calling you, I would've been presented an award for The Most Stupidly Blinded By One-sided Love Girl. Restraining myself from calling you is a very very tough task. But the best part is to pretend like nothing happened when talking to you again. Heck, you too can get an award, for best acting.

You made a fool out of me. You won. Won my heart too.
But I'm done, I really am. Not only my friends dislike what you have done, my mother thinks you're one of my most horrible friends too.

I hope you like this specially dedicated post, to you.
salaud.

Are you proud?

So I went for a job interview with a huge American company two days ago and got through the next round. It was a ability, skill and personality test done on the computer. I didn't get through, because I can't handle stress. hmmm. fyi, if I got the job it would've been long term.

And I went home. I looked into the classifieds again. I spotted this ad about a job fair in a hotel in KL. I had lunch with my grandparents and went after that.

I took a drive downtown not really sure how to get myself there, although I've a map which I didn't quite look into before I departed. I felt ridiculous. I made more than 3 wrong turns. When I finally found the place, I told myself I'm not going in. And I left. (Can you imagine?!)

Again, I don't really know my way around town. I took all the wrong junctions that would throw me into traffic jams! I was merely burning fuel for 2 hours. What kinda sign is that? Is it even a sign? Someone might just read this and kill me for wasting fuel in this state of the earth.

But while I was stuck in those traffic jams, I took a lot out of the city. We'll let the captions talk you through...


So while I was stuck here, I told myself, no one shall call me 'cutie' anymore.
I've never quite seen a toilet paper ad on so many pillars on a street. And it's just not right to call a girl 'cutie' anymore, if the toilet paper brand that your lou ma chi asks you get from the store, is Cutie.


Aren't you proud of Malaysia and how much it's moved on? I mean, this is magnificent!
Like staying in Paris, you can see the Eiffel Tower anytime you want. Stay in KL and you can see not just one but two skyscrapping buildings that carries an identity of the country you live in! That's two huge buildings!


Really, you're proud? What is the meaning of the pedestrian alert sign?
Nobody really takes note of it.
Tell me, how many Malaysians have you encountered, jams on their brakes and screeches just before a pedestrian crossing, just so pedestrians can cross or even jay-walk?

I'm only half proud. You?


It's random me, I just felt like this pic looks like it was taken in Hong Kong!


Maybe, this, I am fully proud. Malaysia has our very own "Avenue Champs-Elysees" situated in the part of the city that really, doesn't sleep, Jalan Bukit Bintang.


Also, along that part of the city that doesn't sleep, is The Ugliest Fountain I've Ever Seen. Feels like Ursula.


And that's the other skyscrapping building.


Can you imagine work everyday, is to sit outside the shop you work for, waiting for barely existent customers while in front of you is traffic jam, only?


Kuala Lumpur semakin meningkat.
No? I think it's a good caption for this picture. Only for the picture. Fact-wise, no comment.


This is me stuck in traffic, with a gloomy weather.

I watched a movie with one of my newfound good friends last night. And met up with his other friends at a bar. Didn't think the night would end so late.
Having 3 hours of sleep and then stay up all day, doing all sorts of things, including drinking, I think I did well.

I drove home from Brickfields in about 13 minutes after sending my friend back. Not bad ey? But I think I can do better. Maybe I should practise more and be a car racer. Oh, bad joke.

Gonna get ready to meet Ms Melissa-is-always-busy-with-exams. The last time we met was in my house, during CNY. Next year's CNY is like.. in 2 months? Mel oh mel!

So much for now.

ciao!

another rant-update, yet I'm fine at the end of the day.

I had a contemplating period of time about a week ago. Maybe less. I had 4 friends listen to me ranting my contemplations and watch me eat my heart and brains out. I didn't quite go home with a decision. But I guess it all just falls to place. Not that I'm happy about how it fell, but I realised the past few days, that there are people who need more than I do. I decided to go on with the role as an ex-gf in a short film, not going to open up a bazaar booth anytime soon, and not joining any bomb-priced workshops.

I've been helping a good friend of mine look for a place to stay for the past few days. Even till now. I'm taking a break from the search, because I found one that's cheap and close to where my friend is right now. Although, it's not confirmed yet, but we can only view the place at 7pm later.

In this world, some people can be really mean eyh? To be "chased" out of the house with such short notice is bad enough, but not giving the key is horribly mean. Okay, so you're capable of doing that but I believe it'll all come back to him one day.

At a point, this friend of mine had me crushed with a certain misunderstanding, but perhaps it was partly my fault for being easy and stupid sometimes. Despite that, he did help me through one of my toughest times, being played out by mr. mexico. I believe that it's times like this when someone needs encouragement and support. So why not, I don't have classes, I'm not working? If he turns out to be just making use of me; well, I did this with free-will and it's beyond my ability to know what his returns will be. But I believe that mr. landlord is an ass, although my dear friend needs to be a lil more clean and tidy!

I've not sent in my application to Monash Uni, but it's getting done soon. I just need guidance, which are really hard to find. I am 20, but I'm ONLY 20, I'm not all that capable yet. That's just 10 years more than a 10 years old kid? I understand, yet I don't understand. It's just not fair.

That's so much for now.
I'm tired.

You can go but be back soon!

So many things I want to say, yet I shouldn't. Atleast not here.

This sounds so 16, but I wish to live the Gossip Girl life! =)
Hehe.
I'm going to transform my room, and make it my own living room too.

Omg omg omg, I just Google-d "Butter NYC" and "The Palace Hotel NY", picture results got me gasping for air! I sooooo wanna live in Manhattan! LOL! Okok, I'll live in Brooklyn and go to Manhattan!

The Palace is really called The Palace!! Oh my! And it looks just as beautiful as it is on tv!!! Oh, it's amazing. I'm gonna need to work for all that money.

Going to sell my shoes and some dresses I've never worn. And gonna sell this one useless table in my room, and buy a two-seater sofa! Then I'll be working, and studying. And classes will be fun, new people, new friends, new enemies but hopefully not.. Life's coming back..

I just need to get rid of the past. I'm not para-phrasing this, but the past is haunting me! I swear, I tell myself it was just a phase and it's gone and to be forgotten. But dammit, I'm thinking and thinking at every moment. Sigh*!

Su and I have a deal, or rather a bet. She wants to see how long I can stay single. Really single, not seeing anyone at all. And I'm going to win this bet because I'm so fucking tired of all this bullshit. Every morning, reality just hits me, then cuts me. Gosh. I need to get out of this sewage plant.

I'm attending the TCHT 2nd Alumni this December! I hope it'll be really rocking like it says. Hopefully, real quality eye candies. hehe. I told Su I might find one then, and keep him as a friend till January. Sensible no? If he can't wait to be with me, then to hell with him. I'm tired entertaning kids.

Ok, going back to real life now.
Be back soon.

Bittersweet, short of innocence.

To know, How To Tell If Its Love Or Just Lust, click here.

T'was you who led me to the website. So I found something I could learn about to help me in this situation at the moment. But thank you, it will also help me out for future purposes.

I learnt from that article, if what the writer says is right, then I am in love with you. I have no more fears of letting you know how I feel. I think that you should want to know where you led me to.

I put you in every situation in my life, in every example I witness. You are different. You confronted me, atleast. But, keeping the slightest information from everyone, you've made everyone your fool. I feel fooled, I had hopes.

When you said that everyone has lust in themselves, but you are one of them boys who admit it.. So, LUST was what you felt? Over me? I'd reckon so, because I don't think you'd tell Love what happened.

We hesitated a kiss? You hesitated falling for me! Lust is what you felt, because you found Love first? I won't judge, I've never met Love.

But hey, Love better treat you right.

After being washed away by heartaches last night, the eyes and nasal functions that triggered the "cry" button, malfunctioned. I've cried out all tears from before. I still can, for who and what that loved me back. But for who and what that hurt me, and allowed it to happen back to back, I don't think she wants to tear for that anymore. It's wasted tears.

I wished I could do something to win your heart, to win you. But I don't know your Love. No one does, infact! I wished I could remain this way and feel the same for you even when you're gone.

BUT TO KNOW THAT I WAS JUST LUST THAT LASTED IN THE CAR, I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU MY FIRST SLAP IN THE FACE. But, you're a charm. You're a gentleman, sometimes not; like when you let out gas, or slurp your food. Although I hate how you drive even when you know I hate it, I see through it. Maybe I'm blinded. You've changed so much of my life. I love to drink, but I don't feel good about it. I love to party, but if I had the option to just stay at home and talk to you, or somehow, be with you.

I'm about to talk to you in a few minutes. The above has been said, without clarification, yet I do not intend to ammend it later, because these are my thoughts and I hope you respect that.

A note.

Love,

It's funny how it cuts, yet it heals the pain at the same time.

twang! it hit me!

omg, I'm looking back at my old Facebook photos and I'm cursing myself. I've been quite stupid. quite.

no names mentioned yeah. but. oh my. it's recorded, 3 gays. I'm not discriminating the gender, but if you're not straight, just tell me!!! It's pathetic for a girl to be in a scene like this...

BFF: oh what happened to that guy?
me: what guy? which one?
BFF: the one you last brought along?
me: oh, uhm. he's. gay.
BFF: oh. huh? but..?
me: ...anywayyyy...

AND SO, anyway...

I'm starting anew.
I'm going to love my life even more.
Not going to give my life away to anybody just like that.

Won't You Take Me To...Funky Town?!

Oh I love this! When you wish to be carefree and crazy, there's no better song!

Ignition dies when short of oxygen.

You ignited the fire. Yet, you killed it. Why?

It's not really fair for me.

I thought you were different.

Maybe I'll only see you when I want to.

Quiche, it's not qoo-ich, it's kiish!

This morning's breakfast was made outta 2 bread rolls by pastry master Naomi Koo! =D


Jay and I helped out last night, by being her pests. Heehee! And together with my bread rolls I had pâté and apple juice.. Breakfast, at 11am. LOL!









My scruffy darling having her head on the food bowl, angry she got caged!











My quiche didn't get made yesterday, only the shell; which turned out to look quite disastrous! But here's the continuation today! And with the excess ingredients, I've made pasta for tonight's dinner!



























The end result is yet to be pictured, or even cooked! Wanna wait till just before dinner so it'll still be warm. And then I'm gonna go catch a Grimm Fairytale tonight! Yayyy!!!

I think the quiche will turn out good, but don't talk about the shell. It's disappointing.

Gonna go think what to wear tonight now.

xoxo.

Webster hasn't found the word to express how I feel.

Have you ever been confused over what you feel?
Yes, it's the typical thing a girl talks about; love. I'm getting a little out of that teen age to be talking about this in my blog. But hey, we're always loving something everyday, or not.

I'll be saying "he" most of them time as I'm a girl, but should you be a male reading this, in some cases, perhaps "she" applies.

I don't know about you reading this, but I am personally confused! What IS love actually? When you meet someone who your friends say is really into you, hitting on you, checking you out and all that. IF you have no interest you'd list down all the things you don't like in a guy that that guy has! Right?? And if you think he's hot or something about him attracts you, you play hard to get. Yeah?

Then when things between you and him get a 'lil more questionable, you start wondering. What's going on now? Here's the issue, you have a gut feeling he's not interested, somehow. Despite what gut feeling that is, you're telling yourself, he's playing hard to get, and you should do the same. Be out there, bold, carefree. And he's treating you like a really good friend, only. But you're still going to see beyond that, just to make yourself a little more above the clouds.

You wonder if what you feel is love, because there are little things about him you HATE, but there are many more things about him that you LOOOOOVVVVVE! Is THAT love? When I say things you hate; for instance if you're not a smoker, and hate the smell of ciggs, he smokes and you enjoy his stinky breath? Or, you're a prim and proper person, but he litters like he didn't realise it slipped out of his hand(and you pretend you didn't see it too!)!!

Is that being blinded by his major qualities, yet you're stupid because he's just not interested? Or is it love because you see beyond the minor little things that can be changed after you've CONQUERED his life?

As I was typing that last line there, it hit me! THAT is why men have miserable lives after getting married. This is when the husband/wife jokes come in. But yea, don't you think so? See, we close an eye to that flaw they have, and we love them till they love us back, and we don't speak of it till after 3 years of marriage and putting down the toilet seat. Isn't that what happens?!

Okay, not all marriages are like this, but those men who talk about their wives, maybe it's we women's fault! But then again, it shows how much love a woman can give, and how strong she can hold on to the nonsense. Hehe, yeah?

I'm off to prepare a quiche that I've not made in a long time now. Do tell me what you think about what love really is. Is it how you love her so much although she's fat but she cooks wonders? Is it how you love him so much because he is capable of being responsible, although he's not loving you? Is it how money isn't a matter at all, as long as he/she is happy? I don't know, really. Help me out.

Flip that page and read me a happy article!

I love everything about my new blog layout!
It wasn't so hard to do. You ever messed with html?
It does take up some strained eye muscles from an amateur, like me!
But I'm really satisfied! I feel so fresh!
Best part is, I am fresh, I just took my shower.. Ahaha!

These few 5 songs, are the few simply amazing songs I've been hanging onto.
They really give me life again. My header photo was taken and edited
by Brendan Lee, an ex-collegemate. The pink wormy backdrop was taken by
me, myself! =) It's actually a bathroom mat being hung out to dry.

Welcome back everyone! Life's pretty short, just do what you want to! Because you'll regret not trying, and it'll haunt you. But if you've done it and regret, it's passed and all you gotta do is own up and move on!

Live your life baby!

Stop being the pathetic cinderella like in the american flicks!

I can't believe myself. Being such a fool. I'm supposed to be out of this!

My 3 days job was boring but fine. Can't wait till I get my money.

Have you ever been so into a person that you'd do merely anything for them? Just to find out they're really not what you think they'd be, not really what you're looking for. But deep down inside, something's got you hooked on!! Have you ever?

Read the book He's Just Not That Into You and you'll pick yourself up again. Until you watch the movie He's Just Not That Into You! It confuses you, makes you think you'll one day be an exception!

But WAKE UP! You're not an exception! You're just wishing and hoping blindly! He's NOT into you! If he's got a whole other lot of things to look into while you're trying your best to impress right in front of him, and he doesn't even glance, HE'S NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT! That means, you're not even the last thing on his mind before he goes to bed!

You may cry yourself to sleep and ask God why is your life so miserable. That's because you're not waking up from your stupid living dream! Just fucking slap yourself out of it! Do you even need a guy/girl to live? You've got friends! You've got a family! How are you going to get this hottie when you have no friends? So keep the friends before they flee while you're busy getting this diva.

Yes you think you're in love, there must be a chance somewhere deep down, since this/that/whatever incident happened. Well, when they think they're capable, they'll do what they want! And they know you're so fucking into them, they'll just take the opportunity and get what they want! Think about it, leave them! They were alive before they met you! So why bother being in their lives when they're taking your life away!

Stop being the pathetic girl next door like in those american movies. The ordinary gets the ordinary! Those are movies, and you're in your real life! It's NOT a movie! So just fucking wake up from your dream and make real use of yourself and STOP thinking something may happen!
HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, AT ALL!!!

Don't be your own fool in your life story. Be the girl that shines because you can. Not because you've found the captain of the football team in your arms!

Being alive.

It's been more than a month and a half since I was employed and getting money from another source other than my parents. It has been pretty bad.

I had a friend but a friend shouldn't be bugged because no matter how great your friend is, he/she has their own issues. The only way to re-pay them is to listen to their advice, and be a help if needed. The part about listening to their advice is the most helpful.

I had a sister's ear too. But she's a sister. They're family and their words don't get too far into your head before they drop out of the your other ear. It's not that we do not want to eliminate their words of advice, but it's just like words from parents. Sometimes we just need an outsider to get it in our faces. With family, we tend to bend and we'll never get it.

And after all that doom, I don't know when it hit me. I just started my engines again. I found myself a part-time job, almost started classes with Alliance Francaise (but I just called them up 2 hours ago to say I'm not joining them. Explain later.), found myself yet another 3 day part-time job for this weekend, and I'm going for netball after this at 5.30pm.

The first part time job will take up my weekends but only until 6pm. I don't expect to be able to go shopping and partying when I've no money coming in. They don't pay the best, and it's not my favourite work of interest. But heck I'm 20. That's 60 years to 80, 20 years to 40, 10 years to 30... Time flies, but I'm cruising this life. I need to do things before I can't anymore. And staying at home, sitting in front of the laptop looking for the best jobs ain't doing anything! I'll be working in the National Science Centre for the Da Vinci Exhibition. I know nuts about him. But I'd rather start learning a little more about him than having my nose 2 feet from my pillows everyday.

My second job, it's 3 days only. Infact, I start tomorrow. I've to apologize to the person incharged of my job in the NSC, but I'm part-time based, and this pasta cooking job is paying even more! I have a thing for cooking pasta. I know it's a little down-grading to be a pasta promoter, giving out pasta samples. But I'm getting paid and I love to cook pasta! Look for me in Jaya One Cold Storage tomorrow, 12pm-8pm. Then again, I'm sorry but I won't be cooking the whole pot for you!

I will one day, someday soon, have a eat-in for my friends.. I'll cook pasta and pasta and pasta.. Okay, maybe quiches too..

Alliance Francaise. I went to enquire about French classes there. I'll not talk about how I had to go from Bangsar to Lorong Gurney. On that day, the lady said I have less than 24 hours till the placement test. I went to my friend's place to study because I felt held up at home. I reached Lorong Gurney 2 hours early. Did my test, felt okay about it. I was told to wait for the results via email, being sent by the weekend(it was a Thursday when I took the test). I checked my mail with hope everyday... Even on Monday, I got nothing from them. I called up and the lady at l'Accueil said that she doesn't have the results and the lady that has it is not in that day. She told me to wait till Tuesday. BUT, classes start on Tuesday! Yesterday, Wednesday, I got a call after lunch. I got my grading, and she told me I can start tomorrow(today). I asked if there'd be any refund or replacement class, and she said no. Because she got a bounce back from my email, and she called me on Tuesday but no answer. I recalled a miss call from a stranger, I called back but no answer. Mind you, it was only ONE missed call. I think had I not answer my phone yesterday, she'd never call back. She called me on Wednesday, had no initiative to call as soon as she got a bounce back?

I doubt the classes run well, they don't seem like they need students. And I've decided that taking a Major in French would be way more interesting. So, Alliance Francaise shall be where I'll go get my qualifications for French language.
Yet to decide where to study French Studies..

Back to before I picked myself up, I had a break-out with the sister. It felt worse than it ever has, possibly because reached the stress toll. I was drenched in tears in my room, tried to get to 2 friends but they simply couldn't be reached. When I usually feel this down, I turn to the sister, but I'm down about her and I'm not ranting to her about her? I'd confront her, not rant. But I needed to rant! Then I think back when I was young, I had my kakak, or my grandmother. I had my dog Pickle too, but she's now 4 feet underground 6 feet was too much to dig.. I contemplated opening my window and jumping out to get out without anyone knowing. I'd get myself hurt because I'm clumsy, who cares, but, where am I going to go? A knock was heard on my door, I fell silent. And again.. I asked who it was, and it was, my grandmother. I was even more touched but shocked to see how the Law of Attractions work. She came to ask for help with her new handphone. And then she consoled me.

I was meant to bring the grandparents out for lunch with the sister, but I was so mad I thought I didn't want to see her. I was talking to my friend when the sister came in to ask if I was going. I said no. But my friend said to go and be the bigger person. I went, later. I'm still, yet the smaller person because I went for my grandmother's sake. She asked me to come earlier on and I could see that she was disappointed when I said no.

Above all that, the sister and I are fine now. She's being herself, I'm being myself. We probably dislike the things we say or do. But we live under this roof of our parents. We still talk/think of our parents the same way. Even about the stupid boys. =)

I have been occupying my days lately, doing merely anything. I have not drank alcohol since 2 and a half weeks ago. That was my escape. I went away for 4 days thinking I'd runaway from these shit. But I had to return to reality.

I'm picking up myself day by day, tracing the bits I've dropped, ascending this flight of stairs that never ends til we're gone. There are pit stops every now and then. There are times if you don't know if you need to take the pit stop route or not. But we learn from that mistake when we get a puncture. Then we pick up from there.

I have more faith in the little things I do nowadays. I have to thank a whole long list, or I wouldn't have found these friends who've been around me lately. I've to thank my parents for being parents. I've to thank my sister for.. being herself when I'm myself till I had to cry it all out and I've been feeling much better ever since!

I don't know when I'll write again but I'm alive, doing things I never thought I would've done! More things to do now!

Gonna help dad fix a cupboard.

Beaucoup bisous a tous mes amis et ma famille.
Je suis plein da vie avec vous!

Deep bruises, takes time to heal.

It's funny how we allow our lives to be led and ruled by who we love.
Isn't this our own lives?
It's not fair how they conquer our hearts like that.
We want it to be something real.
But the wait, the drag, the chase, it's taking too long.
Makes it feel like, 'no it should end'.
Yet we let it lead on.
I'm going through the same chase I was in 3-4 years back.
I thought I grew out of it.
I thought I didn't need to chase anymore.
I'm supposed to be out of all that.
Why must they make the decision I don't want to follow?
I don't wanna say he's my kind.
I don't wanna tell.
I don't wanna admit.
I don't wanna know how I feel or what's going on.
I just assume.
But what if it turns out like the little fairy tales where both do not say anything and it only turns out to be a heartache?
Is this an amount that I feel, more than life?
My life?
Won't someone just kill me.
Bring me out of this misery.
Make it stop?
I can't tell.
I might just ruin it all!
And never even have a decent conversation again.
I only figure out what I should have said, after it's all over.
I need to be away from all these.
I need to wash it all out.
I need to scream and shout.
I need to kick.
I need to drink and be drunk.
It's temporary, but it helps.
But most of all, I need you around.
I just don't know how to let you know.
I can't let you know.
How can I?
I can just picture you, the perfect role model of the one?
Okay, push aside some stupid factors.
No ones perfect.
But you're the closest.
I want to know some more.
If only I made a difference.
If only you knew.
If only I didn't make that call, or u-turn.
fuck, life is shyt.

Where I worked.

I started working here in mid June. It is now approaching mid August.
I've been working on a festival called Short+Sweet.

Never have I thought, that when I send in my resume on that very day, would I be where I am today and who I am today!








I'm sorry, this was also meant to come out way before today. It's now mid August! And I've stopped working with KLPAC. It was great experience learning to adapt, new people, new enviroment, new rules..

I've made a whole lot of new friends, young and old.
Made lots of mistakes and learnt to pick myself up and move on.
Learnt that life ain't all about fun. But it's no harm having fun! Get me? =]
Life's not always about wanting what you want, having what you want. Sometimes it's better not to have what you want. But when it becomes a need, you'll just want to hold on tight and never let go.

Work!

I'm working in KLPAC, and have been, since 15th of June 2009.

Not used to working in an office, what more they don't dress up in office wear here. Come in flipflops, and you're still cool. Come in shorts, you're relaxed. Come in jeans, come in a dress, come in anything, you're still a part of the house without anyone talking about attire rules. No one checks your nails or your hair!

I do the job of an Assistant Stage Manager, but definately, my Stage Manager is doing a whole lot more cause I'm useless in this area. But I like working here, I can take photos! I've been taking photos during the S+S dance and theatre rehearsals, Kakiblue's rehearsals too! I think I really like photography, but as a part time.. perhaps.

S+S Dance week 2 is starting on Wednesday, today & tonight was for technical rehearsals. Today I went to work at 8.30 am from work.. And left klpac at 10.50pm?!

I'm off to bed now. Will share some photos soon...
(supposed to post this on the 28th of July 2009 at 12.50am, guess I was too sleepy to know what I was clicking on.)

The life.

I was shown the middle finger yesterday when I was driving, by a son with his stupid mother who didn't know traffic rules. Mutha-fuckin bitch.

I have to say it wasn't so much fun last night either.

I felt worse later last night. I regretted everything.



I know and I admit, but I suppose that broke your trust for me.



I went to bed with my dog for extra company last night. She was an angel but took up half the space on the bed though she's not more than 2 feet long.



I woke up this morning and washed my car, perhaps try wash the guilt and stains away from myself. But the scratches somehow seem so deep. I try to recall if it's me, or someone else's fault. I try to recall if I even remember the scratches being made, maybe I was so blinded having all that giggly fun.



It's no fun at the end of the day, being a bitch. But while you're at it, it's helluva fun! Then we ask, but why do people be a bitch? It must've been something so harsh that has made them so vengeful.



Merely loving someone can make someone hate you. I'll tell you a story...



When I was in kindergarten, I once went home to my mum and said.."mummy mummy, *name*; my boyfriend"...

I went to primary school and *name* was absent and sick. I made paper guns and dropped it in his letter box. (Perhaps to shoot away the bacterias. I don't know.)

In higher primary, *name* liked me but he wasn't as cute as *name*! *Name* liked cute girls as cute as him, I wasn't that cute. I was tallest girl, had the biggest-sized shoe.

I got to lower secondary, I started texting out of the country.

To higher secondary, I make Valentine's gift for someone who didn't have a single idea that I have feelings for him. I even lent money for one to buy a phone.

Then came college, I almost devoted myself to the internet and the webcam. I then put make up in front of the webcam, not the mirror. Then I brought *name* to the hospital because he behaved like a kid with his roommates and had a horribly swollen knee.

And one day, I found one! But he needed more than I could provide.

Another seemed, not my type. Shyt. Maybe a lil less than a straight line?

Army men, they've got it, but we don't. Because we just can't wait for so long. Perhaps, we can, but can we really wait, with this distance?!

I went away and had my fun. I mean real mean fun! I think I traveled to wonderland.

I came back thinking 'oh, none of them here can level up to the same.'
Then a hunk came by. The term used was 'dating'. Then the connection was lost.

Oh, nevermind, a spicey one came by after a week. Too spicey, cold water wash was needed. It was a 2 hour wait. Maybe I was just stupid anyway. Blinded by the spiciness.

But then a backup came by being a gentleman. The kind that pulls the seat out, holds the door, makes your orders... Oh, I don't know so, but I hope so. But this time, I felt like I felt many many years back in school. That one way feeling. Maybe this isn't the right one either. Maybe is!

Why do we have to go through all these before we find the right one eh?
It makes one's life so messed up.


Heh, this post was earlier thought-out in June! Got saved as draft, and I added in to the last bits.
Life eh?

Life with or without MJ

Man in the mirror - Michael Jackson

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change)
(Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah)

I've Been A Victim Of A Selfish
Kind Of Love
It's Time That I Realize
That There Are Some With No
Home, Not A Nickel To Loan
Could It Be Really Me,
Pretending That They're Not
Alone?

A Willow Deeply Scarred,
Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream
(Washed-Out Dream)
They Follow The Pattern Of
The Wind, Ya' See
Cause They Got No Place
To Be
That's Why I'm Starting With
Me
(Starting With Me!)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Ooh!)
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm Asking Him To Change His
Ways
(Change His Ways-Ooh!)
And No Message Could've
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make That . . .)
Change!

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror,
(Man In The Mirror-Oh
Yeah!)
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make The Change)
(You Gotta Get It Right, While
You Got The Time)
('Cause When You Close Your
Heart)
You Can't Close Your . . .Your
Mind!
(Then You Close Your . . .
Mind!)
That Man, That Man, That
Man, That Man
With That Man In The Mirror
(Man In The Mirror, Oh Yeah!)
That Man, That Man, That Man
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
(Better Change!)
You Know . . .That Man
No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
(If You Wanna Make The
World A Better Place)
Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change
(Take A Look At Yourself And
Then Make A Change)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Oh Yeah!)
Gonna Feel Real Good Now!
Yeah Yeah! Yeah Yeah!
Yeah Yeah!
Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na,
Na Nah
(Ooooh . . .)
Oh No, No No . . .
I'm Gonna Make A Change
It's Gonna Feel Real Good!
Come On!
(Change . . .)
Just Lift Yourself
You Know
You've Got To Stop It.
Yourself!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
I've Got To Make That Change,
Today!
Hoo!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Got To
You Got To Not Let Yourself . . .
Brother . . .
Hoo!
(Yeah!-Make That Change!)
You Know-I've Got To Get
That Man, That Man . . .
(Man In The Mirror)
You've Got To
You've Got To Move! Come
On! Come On!
You Got To . . .
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Stand Up!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Stand Up And Lift
Yourself, Now!
(Man In The Mirror)
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Aaow!
(Yeah-Make That Change)
Gonna Make That Change . . .
Come On!
(Man In The Mirror)
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know It!
You Know . . .
(Change . . .)
Make That Change.

Source: www.azlyrics.com

The first song from MJ that made a difference in my life. He passed away at 5.21am Malaysian time this morning. May he rest in peace.

I won't take long with this post, I'm at work.

But I send an email last night to a friend, an email that could have ruined a friendship. But it was done to kill guilt. I've not gotten a reply. But I hope things be better, with more trust.

After returning from a foreign western country, more than a month back home, life's changed, yet the same. I still live with guilt not having dinner with my grandparents and now that I'm working I can't take them out for lunch. Then again I've been hanging around more than ever with Xue Li. If only we had Nic... and now Rosalyn's leaving for Aussie too.

I now have a 1am curfew. Perfect, no?
I drive with sanity, yet without. But I do drive with courtesy. I have to say, I hate the Malaysian attitude. But I love Malaysian food.

I am yet to lose weight, but have started taking an initiative to look good everyday.

I believing in boosting one's own confidence.

As for now, I should go.

And as I end this post today, I'd like to share that Queen S has invaded my life and she rocks like a bitch.

xoxo

EVERYONE!!!!!!! I AM BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK INTO THIS BLOGGING WORLD!
(hEHe, maybe just for one post?)

So, I came back home about 3 weeks ago.

#1. France is MAGNIFIQUE!!!!
#2. Italian language is so cute and amazing!
#3. Pasta IS the Italian staple food.
#4. I've learnt to make quiche, just being inspired by eating it so often and one
recipe.
#5. I still wanna live in London one day, despite the grey weather.
#6. I'll still stick to my "winter" set of clothes, but hopefully the weather gets
better. I haven't stopped sweating since I arrived.
#7. I think I love Nice, Nice loves me too!
#8. I want to have my honeymoon in Monte Carlo-Monaco(Not Hawaii anymore)!!
#9. I saw snow in spring time!
#10.I have 4364 photos taken in the duration of 3 and a half months.

So, excuse me if I take time to upload the photos. I know I should have started long before, perhaps when I was there in Europe, but I didn't have my own laptop and I don't think it's nice using someone else's pc for so long.

Things have changed while I was gone, but I don't miss what was before. Except the slightly cooler temperature in Malaysia!

How was the rascal lost and found?

The story goes...

Last night, I stayed up late packing and chatting.. Till 5am! It was raining heavily, and so I decided to sleep before the thunder freak me out.

Next thing I know, mummy appear in my room and switch on my lights..
"WHERE IS SCHNAUZY?!"
"huH? How I know?!"
"SCHNAUZY IS LOST. YOU BETTER COME DOWN NOW."
(and i was thinking, shyt, what did I do?! Schnauzy lost? You kiddin' me.. and what, it's only 7am?!)
I put on some shorts and run down. (It still didn't occur to me, she is FREAGGIN' LOST!)
I am downstairs and I see mummy going frantic, Oreo my black labr. jumping licking as usual.
"Where's Schnauzy???!!!"
"Don't know! The gate lights were on, the gate was shut, Oreo was soaking wet outside the gate, waiting!"
And I started to cry like hellllllll......

I took my set of keys and asked where's daddy and kakak.. Both different directions. I chose one way and walked out. Crying, calling out her name, in fury and devastation. As I make a circle behind the housing area, I was crying so badly I couldn't continue. So I walked back.

Dad came back too and my sister was taking Marley out to search for Schnau. She was frantic, I was crying.

I sat down on the floor, I prayed and cried and cried and cried. Okay, enough crying.

I went along with daddy, drove about approximately 4 housing areas. No sign of her.

We came back home, I showered, had something to eat and some coffee to open my eyes. I came up to my room and posted notices online, everywhere. I thought I was going crazy. No, I was more likely, going to fall asleep.

Dad talked to our immediate neighbour about the loss. And our neighbour said he came home late last night and saw our gate open! So since it's an automatic-electrical gate, he just drew the door back. And that's the reason why the lights were on! (Hard to explain) He didn't take note about any missing dogs though. (So now we know how these donkeys went out.)

I was supposed to type out a notice, print and go photocopy then laminate, at college. I couldn't. I knew if I drove, I'd hit something. So I slept for a lil more than an hour.

I woke up, to some hesitation as it was raining and nothing really I can do. But heck, THEN WHEN AM I GOING TO DO IT? AND HOW WOULD ANYONE KNOW I LOST SCHNAUZY??!

So I drove to college at about 2.30pm, got the photocopying done. Gosh, I was WORKING in the photocopy shop. I did a lot. I spoke to a lot of people. Left the notices about, and drove about 2 housing areas again. Drove home. Started punching holes in the notices to hang up.

Mummy came home, thought she'd take Oreo for a walk and look for Schnau but she couldn't handle the big dog. We decided to have dinner and then go put up notices, with Oreo. Mum was expecting some clients so she took a walk outside.

She saw 2 men, father and son putting up a notice just below a notice of a lost dog that my dad found weeks back. At first she thought they knew that dog. And turns out they were actually putting up a notice about SCHNAUZY! They found her at 3pm, very close to my house. Like at a crossroad before my house. It was drizzling heavily and she was all wet and shivering. She eventually went to them and they sent her to PAWS.

Thank GOD for such kind souls! I had to wait for mum's client to go, and then I could go with mummy to pick her up! Oh, did that take long! And when we got there, it was all dark, the dogs were barking.. I clanked the padlock on the grill..

A Myanmar worker came out and offered help, or not. We told him about someone sending our dog there and bla bla bla.. And he says no he can't help because he's not authorized to do so. And the office is closed. He said "you can come back in the morning." Hell yeah I know, but did you know how much I was going to go crazy? Well, it made sense, but I was mad cause he was rude. Then I told myself, he's probably not educated in this way. Nevermind, as long as Schnauzy is in safe-hands.

So, I pray she sleeps well tonight, and we gonna pop a champagne tomorrow morning!

Thank you ALL for your concern and prayers.. and your faith too!

While all the above happened, I wondered, how would I go to France like this? I'd be crying on the plane, crying here and there. Shyt, hell no. She's gotta be home before I go! And I was sms-ing everyone and anyone to lookout for my dog, if not just pray.

I think the prayers were heard and kind souls were sent to rescue baby.

That's how my day went. I'm back to pack my bags for France. And my convocation is tomorrow!!! =)

My love for Schnauzy is still ocean-sized,
avrril

Schnauzy is found! SHE IS FOUND!

SHE IS FOUND SHE IS FOUND SHE IS FOUND!!!

STORIES AFTER THIS.

I'M GOING TO FRANCE, AGAIN!

Praise the Lord! Thank you everyone who prayed and had faith!

Thank you most, to the kind souls who saved my baby girl!

Schnauzy went straying.

Please click below. No virus thread. My dog went missing.



Please help. Please pray.

With AN OCEAN SIZED LOVE FOR SCHNAUZY,
AVRRIL.

Just before I go.

31st Jan 2009, a week before I depart.

Gathering and farewell, supposedly for Suyin, but turns out it's also for Nic and I. Went to Sushi Zanmai at 1U, then had an after party at Laundry, after much contemplating. I do not have photos from the dinner, but I have SOME photos from the after-dinner which shouldn't really be here, but it's okay I guess.

Some kinda night.

Nutcase ppl I barely knew, started flinging black thing across my eyes.. (Nic's expression of the boys going topless)

I was trying really hard to figure out who's glasses were those when I looked in my phone gallery.

That's done! No more photos!

2nd February 2009

Met up with Ti Ming and Randall, went to... TTDI Plaza? Yea, weird place. We chose Fidel.

We played the simplest drinking game, yet got some losers around!

Ming and I, so gonna miss waiting for you outside your gate while you put on pantyhose(I think?)

Randall and I, will miss your stupid lame jokes. =.=

TiMing got high on beer! Traffic lights became torchlight! Gosh.. Poor guy!

But I was fine! =D
(Learnt my lesson from 31st Jan night)

3rd Feb 2009

I had a self-indulging day. Mostly free, food aside. I went for a FREE back massage, but all the way in Mont Kiara. It was great, though my back still hurts now. One bit awkward was that I had a guy massaging me! I mean, I had my butt poked by his elbow, which hurt, and yeah, stuff like that.(No pictures)

And after that I went to have Wendy's on my own!

Brocolli and cheese baked potatoes! Yum!

Chilli Beef! Yumm! You know what, when I asked what this is.. the girl said it's made of beef and onions and bla bla bla.. and I said "Yeah, but WHAT is it? Like a soup or gravy?" And she calls for her friend. He gave me the same explanation and I asked "Yeahhh? But is it like a soup??" And he went to the food warmer that contained IT, and scooped it up and let me see it drip and plop back down! Sometimes I wonder if people actually interview when they hire someone.

Whatever, I finished it anyways!

And I got stuck in the jam going to Bangsar. Hey, I'm cool because I take photos while changing lanes. LOL!

I like this shot, coming from BSC to Jln Maarof. The light turned green when I snapped okay, not another silly thing I did.

And again no photos, but I DID go for manicure and pedicure without having colour on my nails. I think my nails need a break and a breather. HAHA! GUESS WHAT? A lil bit embarassing to share, but I'll share. I got my first Hollywood (xxxx) waxing done! It was crucial pain! But not much screaming! And then, I decided to call Keith who texted me "You gonna be online soon?" and I said "No! I'm about to get some hair removed!" And so I called him, and at one point yelled "yiooowwww!!!" all the way to his ear in Perth! And he kept quiet for like 3 long seconds! I started laughing... And laughing.. and laughing.. And he said "I think I'll talk to you later okay?"

4th Feb 2009

I went to the dentist for a check-up since my last was YEARS back. She hurt my gums a lil. =( But I got nice extra clean teeth now! And then I went to 1U to spree on my basic needs stock for my trip. I spent a bomb yesterday. And went to indulge (again) at Sakae Sushi.

Sakae Salad is good stuff!!! Really worth the RM8.90!

Edamame, cannot miss out.

I went home and did more packing. And then I decided to put whatever away and play with mud! LOL! So I have this mud on my thighs and was listening to Chris Cendana...

And also a strawberry scented facial mask! This pic is smaller, a bit shy leh. Anyways, I look cute there right?!.... Nvm.

Dinner with 2 girls, after dinner with 2 girls.
I forgot the name of the place we went, but it's in DJ. Quite good food but sorry Mel, I wouldn't say it's WOW..! =)

Jo and Mel.


I ordered this. Some egg ramen thing..

Then we went to Mel's house for awhile, and camwhored!

Perfect picture, until Jo moved her head!

Nice too, but Mel's face satu macam.

After that we went to pick Zenne up, and went to Laundry(again)!
Zenne got giggly high after a cocktail, Jo was laughing non-stop with me.

Check out Jo's mouth! Damn long wei! And Zenne's cannot reach!

I'm so glad I have such lovely friends!

Despite all the shyt that happened, I still have my darling friends! Love y'all!