Deep bruises, takes time to heal.

It's funny how we allow our lives to be led and ruled by who we love.
Isn't this our own lives?
It's not fair how they conquer our hearts like that.
We want it to be something real.
But the wait, the drag, the chase, it's taking too long.
Makes it feel like, 'no it should end'.
Yet we let it lead on.
I'm going through the same chase I was in 3-4 years back.
I thought I grew out of it.
I thought I didn't need to chase anymore.
I'm supposed to be out of all that.
Why must they make the decision I don't want to follow?
I don't wanna say he's my kind.
I don't wanna tell.
I don't wanna admit.
I don't wanna know how I feel or what's going on.
I just assume.
But what if it turns out like the little fairy tales where both do not say anything and it only turns out to be a heartache?
Is this an amount that I feel, more than life?
My life?
Won't someone just kill me.
Bring me out of this misery.
Make it stop?
I can't tell.
I might just ruin it all!
And never even have a decent conversation again.
I only figure out what I should have said, after it's all over.
I need to be away from all these.
I need to wash it all out.
I need to scream and shout.
I need to kick.
I need to drink and be drunk.
It's temporary, but it helps.
But most of all, I need you around.
I just don't know how to let you know.
I can't let you know.
How can I?
I can just picture you, the perfect role model of the one?
Okay, push aside some stupid factors.
No ones perfect.
But you're the closest.
I want to know some more.
If only I made a difference.
If only you knew.
If only I didn't make that call, or u-turn.
fuck, life is shyt.