This morning when I was awaken in bed, I smiled although I was still drained tired from the night before.
Everyday I'm drained tired from the things that happen here in Melbourne for me, and I think to myself, that it wouldn't be this bad if I hadn't made a rash and silly decision to step out of my own world and try to be in someone else's world. Every day and night, I still ponder about the what ifs. Amazingly I cannot let go of these 4 nights of my life that happened almost a year ago.
We ask ourselves why does this happen but we never find out why. We just move on eventually. But when is that time going to happen for me?
I'm given so much love from my family, and Ryan, yet I ponder into my recent past. I listen and read my previous post and I still feel the same as I did when I posted that. It still cuts. Why?
This feeling makes me feel so much guilt and like a liar in me. I love Ryan a lot and so much that I'll do what I can for him to be happy. And deep down, I feel somewhat guilty when I browse the idiot's page. I wish I knew an answer to my feelings. Sometimes I feel Ryan if is loving me less, but it's not so. It's just how I demand so much attention.
I try to let go everyday of this feeling that I've held on to for so long. And I pray I eventually do.
Because I knew how much Ryan loves me when I was awaken by him hugging me in bed this morning.
