she left her suicide note on the door.

1/11/05
5.53pm I'm so fuking mad.. she's this damned bitch in my life. I hate t say this but I have to. She justruins my life half 2/3 the time I'm with her. She thinks she's hellvua great-sexy-i-dont-care-what-you-think chic! fuck you, you're not! I may be bitchier than you becaus you made me so! this is my only source right now, cos jinny's not ere, and he's on a holiday though not too happy. No one else would be listening to my same ol crap. But heck, just now she said "iiish... whole day i tahan you only la..." then I said.." owh.. I tahan you all my life!" and guess what, she just had to test my patience, she said "then dun talk to me la.." So, fine! I won't talk to her. I'll screw nuts if my mum asks me why am I so rude to her. I hold everything all the time, she just shoot me with her stupid fucked up words and sarcasm all her life, ask me to be nice to her?! I hope I'll eventually dont want a belly button piercing, cos eventually I wouldn't care bout the size of my own bluging stomach and show it off to everyone just cos I want them to know I have a piercing on my belly button. She doesnt care what ppl think then why she complain bout what she wear le?! Stupid cibai!!! She insulted my friend by the way she said "hi" to me... I mean like.. WTF?! ppl got their own ways mann... I said "owh, your friends all perfect!" and she was like... "I didnt say you can't say nething bout them...?!" argh!!!!!!!!!!! Imagine if I did say anything bout her friend, i'd end up eating shyt, maybe... And then she said my friend has a stupid attitude just because he is always showing he likes me when he doesnt. As if her attitude isnt like that? She lies to her boyfriend[ex].. she talked bad abt him behind his back. bitch, it's plainly the perfect word! She ruined my deepavali day! I wish I didnt agree to wanna go shopping after visiting. fcuk! Just because she was in sports longer than I was, she think's she's right in every way in this sector. wtv la... I'm just unhappy bout having you in this side of my life. 6.05pm

7.55pm I"m going for another visiting soon... I'm very sure it's gonna be ****ed up cos of some ppl who'd comment on wtv I wear and all.. It's not the same her.. it's "them"... I'll be back after whatever shyt shall happen. I pray for the best. argh!!! **** it!

9pm There are those times I just wished I could die that very moment itself..., get knocked down by a car on the street, fall down the most dangerous cliff, bang my head on a mirror for it to break and see my head bleeding, and eventually seeing Pickle up in heaven... but then again there are those ppl who I think of... and something really special that I should have done before I go.Something coming really soon. So I'd just hold on. No on bothers but a thing, a fucking thing I say. It's all unbothered. It feels like no matter how I scream or even weep, it's not audible, neither is it visible. I just need a day out alone. Even a walk in a park with the evening breeze in my face, would do me good. I wish I could be by the beaches, sitting on the fine brown sand, watching birds fly by with the sunset and scream and weep all alone till sunrise... and I know I'll prove it that no one would know. Life ain't really worth living especially at times where the ppl closest ot you are those who you fall into hating. If you think going for a holiday to China, and feel disappointed cause the ppl are rude, try living as me with my sister for a day. They're just the society you gotta live with, but this is my sister, where I have to love her and accept her for what she is. It's unfair, she gets all she wants... I have to do donkey job all the time. I can't even do what I wanna do! Just because she's 19 she's allowed to go out anytime?! and I have to work? or else, I have to stay at home and rot! I'm not allowed to tell my mum bout what she did to me, or how she treated me... or else she say I merajuk so much... like a baby... what the fuck man?!?! I got feelings wei. You know the reason why I used to always say you don't have feelings? Cause you don't! If you can take jokes, then I'm sorry I can too but not your fuckign jokes and sarcasms that hurts my feelings like a knife stabbing into my heart and taking it out,doing it 20 times! Your jokes and fucking sarcasms are those that feels like forks poking into the eyes, hoping to be able to burst the tear ducts! You think you're always right! Heck you're just an i-dont-care-what-you-think bitch!
Living in this world like this sucks. I'm not supposed to cry which I am doing now, cos my mum would get mad and wake the bitch up to talk to her. Then it's gonna be my fault again. I might be a cry baby, but I have those feelings which can't take the way Leow Hoay Sim @ Uracca is. If you get the feeling that I'm not around, and not in good condition, I might have left my suicide note on the door.
9.23pm.
vrillie
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(this post was posted on the 2nd nov 2005 but everything above was spilled on the 1st nov.)