After all these time...

For the past days, weeks, and month... I've been over-sensitive. I tell my friends it's okay. And yet I feel I'm haunted.. Literally haunted.. Over-sensitive of what you ask? About life and death. I guess I never really wrote much about this previously.

My cute granny passed in June. The day when PJ became a city. I was in school, with a little bit of worry, more eager to know if she's gotten any better. Before recess that day, I shouted at Ti Ming, cause he was being so blur. I'm sorry, but I wasn't myself. I text daddy with a friend's cellphone and got no reply. My question was "Is everything ok? vril here." I cried after I scolded my good friend. And Nadiah and Wei Voon consolled me to go down and join them for recess. I did. And when I approached the canteen, I remember seeing Eu Jinn and Eric talking.. I didnt wanna let ppl know I was crying. I walked towards the outter side of the canteen entrance. And then.. I saw my mummy waiting for me, with a hand in her tissue. I've never seen my mummy's eyes so red. I asked her something from a distance, I don't even know what I asked but as I asked, I nodded like "is it?".. and she nodded to me with tears rolling down her cheeks.. and I ran into her arms and cried out. For solid 10 seconds, I was hardened in my mum's arms with tears in my eyes. I told myself to be strong and I let go of mummy. I told my mum I have to go and sign out of school first. I turned around and saw everyone looking at me as I wipe my tears. I looked through them. I ignored. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.

I went up, brought mum to office and she waited there while I looked for Puan Anna. Before that, I went to class and take my bag. I told Ti Ming "See you after 1 week". I went to the Form4 classes and saw no Puan Anna. I went downstairs, approached the canteen again. Then I saw Eu Jinn. He asked me and " My grandma passed away" and I covered my face and bursted into tears again. Jinn gave me a hug and I remember myself trembling. Murmuring "Jinn.." and choked a little. I told him I have to look for Puan Anna and he offered to look for her for me. Eventually my mum 'caught' Puan Ting and asked her to sign me out. After the whole procedure was done, I came out of the office and saw my classmates waiting to give me a hug or something. I knew they really wanted to help or hug or say something, but knowing me being an unexpected person who might blow any moment, they smiled[though I know you know you don't know if you should've smiled or not.]. I finally saw Puan Anna. Told her, and then we left.

Back to home, I dropped my bag and things, I changed into my three quarters and a white t-shirt. I was really blur and didn't know what to wear. I didn't know what to pack. I didn't know what bag I should bring. Colours matter a lot. I still wasn't really awake then. Mummy and I went to pick my cousin up and we went for lunch. My cousin asked me if I was fine. I guess none of us were, we just played an act. Had lunch at daddy's place. And a 5 hours journey back to Penang, seemed like a journey that's taking FOREVER. [I realised that there's no forever in this world.] WE had funny conversations with Cynthia jie jie about her ex-boyfriends. I didn't talk much. I just laughed. And stoned. I looked into the clouds, something was just different bout the world.

When we approached our Hye Keat Estate slope up to granny's house, I felt that maybe I should go back. I didn't know how to face it. I didn't know what to expect. We went to pray at the alter, and then my grandmother. I cried again.

My grandmother, I call her nai-nai with a slang. She's short in size, on the plum side too. She's been on the wheelchair for the past years.. maybe 2-3 years? Maybe less. Know why I saw she's cute? She can walk but ofcourse a wheelchair helps better. Sometimes she uses her wheelchair as a walker and do a lil walk for us to show us she's capable and we all clap. Sometimes she sits on it, and does a lil circus show, going backwards and forward and gives the "hmm!" smile. She speaks Hakka, Hokkien, Cantonese, Mandarin, Malay and English. When I was very much younger till just few year before 2006, I always spoke to her in Malay. And that's one reason why we never talked much. English? I LUB yew, yeww LUB mi! My late dog Pickle, she called her Big-girl. Barbeque was butter-q. I'm telling you anymore about her English, she might not be happy. Well, you see, that's why I dont speak much to her. These few years, I've been trying to speak some Hokkien with her. She's one grandmother who I've never seen get really angry, but I heard that she's fiery when she is. I don't know very very much about her, she doesnt know very very much about me, but I know I loved her and so did she. She loved all her children and grandchildren.. and great-grandchildren. She loves dim-sum. She loves to see her later generation party and be happy. She loves to sing this Chinese song called Man Chang Fei, which she'd recall times with her husband, my grandfather. It was a love song and she'd always have a smile when she sings it, although out of tune. And she always loved us to join her.

Only after she passed, I learned the song. I learned many things. I learned how the Chinese customs are, where we can't have anklets or rings.. or earrings on to mourn. I didn't quite follow though. To me it didn't matter, it's the thought that counts, it's in my heart. 1 whole week of prayers and kneeling to the chantings. Many ceremonies, like sealing the coffin. Maybe when we sealed it, she had the song "Signed sealed delivered" in mind, singing to grandpa. I don't miss grandpa much. I was only a few days old when he passed on. It was hard to get through it when they nailed the coffin cover and bottom together. The sound of the hammering still resounds in my head when I think of it. The hammering and sounds of people sobbing. And when I opened my eyes, I saw that the floor needed to be mopped.
The funeral day itself, it rained all morning, till 4pm. That's when people had already start dismissing.


I'm being sensitive here, because recently I read about Xue Rou's grandmother and today, I read bout Yee Cheng's grandpa.. in their blogs... I cried reading both their blogs. I commented on Xue Rou's blog post telling her to be strong and all. But I guess I myself ain't as strong as I want to be. I read my cousin's blog, and when she talks bout grandma, I cry. I see her pictures taken I cry. I see the pictures I took, I cry. I dream of her, I cry. I've been crying. And tonight, I cried too much.

I miss her deeply. Very.

After the 1 week, when I came back to school, I had events for sports day. I told myself I'm going to run and win something for her. And I came in fourth and that's why I cried. I cried cause I couldn't do what I said.

As for now, I'll just have to be strong again. Build myself up. With my own courage. But then again, as I was decorating my class today for the National Day, some asshole kid commented it looked like a wake or funeral. I was touched. But I held it back.

Losing a loved one is losing part of ourselves. Even a tiny bit of percentage.

I shall just say, I should be happy, as she's now in heaven, and has already found her love. My grandpa. Grandpa will take care of her, they'll look on us from above and help us through life.. and death.

Man Chang Fei! =)