To the love of my life, Pickle baby.

This goes out to you, my love of my life,
Pickle baby.

She drank a cuppa coffee just so she would stay up to study and payback what she's left behind. And so she did. She laid herself on the bed, under the covers. Took her study materials. Had one side of her mp player earphone in her ear.Set to a suitable volume, she picked up her notes and read.
Everything went fine, although all the time she was reading she had him in mind. She always did, all day.Then she started yawning. She was soon lying down, laying her head one arm, reading sideways. She heard her dad come home. She decided to leave the notes and books, and the mp3 player and go greet daddy. As usual daddy asked why not asleep. Shared a few laughters, went to respective rooms.
She picked up the mp3 earphones, and started to tremble. She closed her books. She knew she couldn't go on. She then listened to bothsides of the earphone. She left her right hand on her chest, calming herself down. She told herself,
"you gotta be strong."
"I need to talk to one of them"
"sms is an easy way of chatting."
"no way, sexy two shoes would probably be sleeping. I don't wanna annoy him."
That was more of a conversation between herself and..herself. Right now, she's thinking of what else to blog about. But she started to tear. She misses 2 parts of her life. The one that brought her up since 1992 till last year. The other's the 1996-2003 baby girl, who passed with leukimia.

It's totally the wrong time to blog now. But I can't help it. I need help. I need a hug. Don't tell me that Pickle's gone and won't come back. Because she never left my heart. And it's impossible for my kakak to come back and take are of me. She's got a baby to look after. I know to what extends are of those I can do, go to the garden and visit Pickle's grave everyday/call kakak when able to. I know I can. You'd know you can if it were you. But there are times where you just miss them so much, at the time where you can't do any of the above. So you just happened to listen to this song and start crying.

Ben, Jinn, sexy two shoes, Jie- I wanted to sms you, but you'd probably be asleep and I'll get no reply.
ChiKhan-thanks for not replying,cause you're also asleep I assume.
TiMing-Please please please attend school today.
[sometimes I wish I had the rights to say 'where are you guys when I need you?']

I don't think I'll ever be able to be strong in this matter. I cry cause I'm sad. I cry cause the very day after my birthday since 2003, has never been a bright day. A day where I'll always remember the night before you left, Pickle.Where you lie down in our house,with your sad eyes, I know you had all the pain before your views. We never wanted to lose you, we did it so you could release the pain. You used to run into the house, fit your sleek body through the grills, sneekily go into Yeh-yeh's room and hide there, from lightning. You used to make kakak angry, wee under the dining table. You used to wanna watch tv with us. You used to face your head to jie and give me your backside. You faced jie jie, faced your backside at me and farted, after we we jungle trekking. Although mummy was afraid of furry lovely animals like you, she'd take her two fingers and tap on you and go "aiyer!!!". I remember when mummy took her slipper and slapped you, but girl, I promised mummy just wanted to teach you a lesson. I remembed slapping you too, I'm sorry,baby. Jie jie still care for you. It all started from jie, celebrating your every birthday on the 21st of march, and you'd get yoghurt or ice cream. I remember when you didnt wanna eat your biscuits, and we mixed it with an uncooked egg. I remember when Schnauzy came, I did neglect you a little. But baby I'm really really sorry. You know, you're the friendliest family dog, you play with kittens, chickens, and hamsters. I remember when daddy and jie were bathing the hamsters and you had one in your mouth. Then you eventually let it out. Baby you were so cute! I always loved playing "fetch" with you, although you never fetched it back. It's really too bad for both of us, we didnt have a chance to play fetch with you in this new house. I remembed showering you, then leave you by the gate to sun you dry. And you'd get so mad... Once we free you, you poo and run into the house, but never get a chance to cause I'll runaway into the house and close the door. I remember feeding you once..when I was saying.."wait... don't eat yet... wait okay??" and jie jie saw you nod! Yea, baby girl, you were that smart. You even went to training school remember? Daddy would bring you and daddy had taught you to sit, stand, stay. I would be the small girl with the big dog, hold you on the leash but you run free. Then jie would scold me. Then soon daddy scold both of us. Baby Pickle, I remember telling you bout my so-called darling boyfriends in primary school. You'd just sit and lick yourself. I love how you lie down and cross your fore-legs. I remember cleaning your ears and finding "tau sar" inside... I remember when you were becoming a mummy. Daddy delievered your first puppy around midnight, then we all threw our matresses downstairs, slept in the living hall to wait for your next baby. It only came the next morning.. Kakak came back from the market and saw this grey wiggly thing hanging from behind you. Then you had 8 cute grey wigglies... Beauty, blue-eyed, bucket, bubbles, and buttons. The other 3 had passed before we had a chance to name them. Then jie and I cried and "hated" daddy for selling them 4 to the man whole sold you to us, for about rm500? Then jie and I cried in the room, with Nai-nai consolling us.And we were saying that we bought you at such a high price and your darling wigglies were sold so cheap! Daddy was outta his mind.
The day Ben knew you had to go soon, he and Aunty Connie visited you, while you lied down still behind the door. The day I remember daddy was gonna bring you to the vet, to give you the F***ing jab, I was crying be the door, seeing you off, I couldn't go along, cause I had school. I remember seeing Sean pass by in his school bus, he spotted me crying. I knew. When I went to school, I was so sensitive. Then Jo told me, Sean was looking for me. Well it was sweet of him to have cared so much. Pickle baby, after that incident, I'm very sure you know that I have done many oral tests in front of my class, sharing stories bout you, hoping to be stronger. but I had always brokedown. I guess you're the one in me, testing me, just to see if I still care.

Pickle/picolomondo/baby/wei../ oii!/Leow Hoay Jin @Pickle/ pickle baby we all miss you. And I must say that no matter what dog comes into my life, even schnauzy and marley, you'll have that special priority forever. And I promise that you will always have a space in my heart. I will try to always leave daddy's garden flowers for you on every 21st of March, your birthday.. and of course 2nd of April,the day you left us.

I hope you somehow get to read this[which I know you can't]. Well, you're probably up in heaven in God's hands now, looking down on me. So, you'd know how my nose and eyes are like now. Stuffed and swelled.

And this is the song that got me crying.

Diana Ross - If We Hold On Together

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope & glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

Picklebaby, I will always love you, forever.

Love,
avril jie jie.