knockin on heavne's door again.

Okay, regarding my cbox, I'm not really that out of the blue. Well to be honest, I was until today. I realised I'm wasting my life, my time and God's time! I wasted so many other people's time too! And so I'm...

Knockin' On Heaven's Door
[Originally performed by BOB DYLAN]

Yeah, yeah, yeah [2x]

Momma take this badge off of me
I can't use it anymore
It's getting dark, too dark to see
Feel I'm knockin' on heaven's door

Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door
Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door
Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door
Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door

Momma put my guns in the ground
I can't shoot them anymore
That long black cloud is coming down
I Feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door

Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door
Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door
Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door
Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door

Yeah, yeah, yeah [4x]

-Yes I'm knocking on his door. I had never hurt this bad.Even going up to mt kinabalu with my menses wasn't so bad. Every fall I had wasn't so bad. Every argument with my sister wasn't so bad. Every argument with Jinn, Ben, TiMing, Michael, Melissa, Choy Hoong, Nadiah, and Randall wasn't so bad. Every scratch from the safety pin never hurt so bad. Every bite I give on my hand when I'm mad was never this bad. Every eczema scar formed without such bad pain. Wearing braces didn't hurt this bad. Every injection was 100% not this painful. Every hurting word said by whoever before this wasn't so hurtful. Until what happened today, I just wanna knock on heaven's door. Not study, not cry, not sob, not sulk, not frown, not laugh, not smile, not make my life better[actually I can't since I don't have a life!], not make anything better. Just keep knocking on heaven's door! See if you like me this way, my ol' man!

To let the whole fucking world know, I'm just being suicidal again. And you know what, this Thursday, I'm fucking forced to donate blood, by the person I refer as ol' man. Good chance to get needles to jab and jab.. or maybe stab stab!
Cheers everyone! I'm so[not] alive! ...

needles are scary, right?

So there's this new skin. I stick to my policy that I do this and thats because I'm not sure bout what comes tomorrow. But it's a lil different, as I included the anti-popular people thing. Seriously, you're so popular today, so happy bout how high your nose is, one day a 16 wheeler might just run through your nose. Then bye-bye nose! =) Think. Think about it.
Besides, I like the overall colour of this layout. I had wanted to use photobucket to upload my own pictures, make a collage behind or something. Too bad. I sign up for photobucket before and left it aside. Now they don't let me use 'vrillie' again. Then I tried the "forgot password" help, but the stupid site didn't email me my password! Dumb! I did it three times okay!

Btw, I'm being convinced to donate blood. If this thing's not open to public, which means daddy can't come, then someone needs to be around, feeling their blood flow being stopped, thanks to me squeezing their hand too tight. I swear someone has to be next to me! The needle is f*cking big!!! I don't know! And I don't know if I can get the form. In a way, I feel like I don't wanna get the form but in a way I also want la... Yer, my father la!!! Tell me I"ll be saving ppl's life if I donate blood. Tell you, my grandmother told me a story bout herself last time. She was a teacher and the head-mistress managed to convince my grandma to donate blood. (My grandmother is not an easy person to convince when it comes to needles and pricks.) The head-mistress told my grandma to look how the procedure goes first, then only she gets to her turn. The needle went into the head-mistress' hand, the blood starts flowing out and my grandmother fainted!!! hahahahahahaha!!!! She laughs about it now too, and still is afraid of needles!
Anyway, I ought to go now. The French are coming on Wednesday or Thursday! Might be away from this blog then. bye!

This snake needs a change of skin!

~ I almost laughed.
Yesterday, I boarded the feeder us I always take home after school. As usual it went the same ol' route. Passing the older Giant supermarket, this pakcik boarded the bus. I've seen him before but seeing him today seems a lil different! Why, you ask? He wore this red batik with gold flowery motives, and dark green tailored(or maybe not) pants. He 'hair-cream-ed' his hair backwards with the wet look. But nothing beats his shoes! He wore boots, ankle high boots! You thinking "so??". I'll tell you I was confused, it was white, but.. GEE.. AMAZING! ..white...and still, why amazing? Because he painted it white! Like 'cat dinding' paint? Or ICI Dulux? Nippon Weatherbond? I could see the drippings of the paint! Well, I gave his shoes long stares, gave short but 'hmm' stares... I almost laughed, but couldn't laugh about it alone.

~Today, friends were talking about PSBM Installation. I was hoping I could go, but then I remembered that I was not allowed for any activities other than school, tuition, err... I don't know what else. Pathetic heh? Then my mind stumbled across last year. I came down the car with Donkey, then Doink saw us. That's cause mummy had to stop us right in front of Doink and gang. When Doink saw my come down the car with Donkey, Doink's jaw dropped until cannot drop ade! LOL!!! Eh, Donkey, that was the best time la! Although you and I know we had nothing between us, but seeing Doink's face at that time was the best, and followed by his gang's looks! ahahahaha! But anyway, I'm deciding not to beg mummy or even want to go, cause I don't wanna relive the memories. They're just not pleasant to be relived. And besides, I'll be working tomorrow! People come see me in Bangsar! 10am to 7pm! LOL! Call me!

Anywayyy.... daddy's coming back from Hong Kong tomorrow evening too! So, pbsm installation not big hoohaa for me. I plan to wear my jie's top and my skirt again! Blekkk... It's not like you know what top or skirt I'm talking about... but who cares! It's my blog! I'm blogging whatever I wanna blog about. Okay, this is getting outta hand. Save me!



err.. whatever.
(this post was meant to be posted on Friday night.But since streamyx was an itch, too bad)

Today(22/7/2006), I followed mummy to work. While getting ready before leaving the house, busy making-up and all, I forgot to dump my dumb dumb phone into my bag. So I was without my bag all day. All I could think of was "dammit!". Like I said above, so I wore my jie's brown top, with my dark green skirt. I think it'll be my favourite outfit that really matches each other. To me, it's very vintage.

Let me just share with you something. First off, I think I wore something that actually makes ppl turn to look. Just look. and then turn back again. In other words, I think I looked good today. (A lil self-esteem boosting does no harm)So, when you're dressed that way, walking along streets in places like Bangsar where you've gotta cross those roads between blocks. It's pretty simple when you want to cross the road, if you're wearing something hawt! I'm talking through experience. You just walk out a little, put your hand out to stop/slow down that car, you'll feel the respect..! blekkk... I'm not overdoing it or talking shyt at all, I was walking with another quite hot gay guy, so WE got the respect. The gay guy is gay, real gay and freaggin funny! Say what you want, try it and say I'm not lying!
p/s: if you think you wanna keep a low profile still, wear your shades.

I had almost done something to my hair today. But being ignored as always, I just got my hair trimmed without whispiness. iish..! I'm gonna make sure it's done! For sure! I want! This hair on my head is half dead! What's dead is a wig, mind you.

Dad's back from Hongkong and dad bought me a dress! =)
and.. and..and... a Nike Triax Swift Analog watch!!! Never had a Nike watch and now I'm becoming a jakun! Anyway... the other news is that I'm not chosen for the first batch of NS. The next news, is a good one[not that the ns news is good or bad though]! My French darlings are coming this week! Tuesday, or Wednesday! Yeaaayyyyy!!! But guess what, they say they wanna study with me. Especially Geoffrey! But how? You don't even read BM! Anyway, I can't wait! They'll be here for 10 days! So, goodnight for now! New skin might be coming up.

This snake needs a change! Love ya'll! muaHks![23/7/2006, 1.43am]
(streamyx is a total itch!)

Filling up the empty!

It's been long since I've posted nething too meaningful. I don't know if this one would make a difference. [Okay, not that long, but...] The past days, weeks, things have been happening, and I've been having thought in my mind on what lines I'd like to fit into my next post, and yet I haven't had any of them here.

To start off, 11th Sports Day is over, which also points out that I've got no more chances to win any individual medals in sports. And that is because I lost to Michelle Teoh by prolly about 2 to 3 seconds! Argh, it makes me recall how I used to always think that elder ppl are stronger. No one but myself to blame. Just that split second when you're approaching the finishing line thinking "okay, the last medal,my last chance..! can!" and then you feel someone coming nearer, and then overtakes you just that bit, naturally your heart stops a second and then the next thing you know you've lost the hope you had in yourself ever since you signed your name up for the event. And just when you're done with the stupid race, you get off the tracks, and that devil appears on one shoulder with that echoing voice.. "train so late.. where can! hah!".."cannot one la....! hmph.. go la..", then your guardian angel appears on your other shoulder saying "can la! 1500m, 7 and a half rounds only la! Don't worry la..!", and what really runs in your mind?
I shouldn't have taken part.
I should've atleast trained earlier.
I'm such a loser.
Loser.
Loser.
Loser...!!!
You want to cry, but you can't. You stand by the side of the tracks, hoping to be comforted, you have all funny thoughts in your mind, echoing in your head, and the sudden rush of blood into your head, feeling your feet having less balance, suddenly someone comes to you and ask if you're alright. I thank that person, but wouldnt it have been too obvious I wasn't alright as immediately after passing the finishing line, I went off the tracks and never moved except for the part where I was panting hard and felt like tears were gonna roll down my cheek but couldnt.
Anyway, I held the bunga manggar for Rumah Merah like I had always wanted. If I didnt protest somethings, I would've probably held it with a scrony walking twig who denied she really wanted to act as a pretty girl on sports day and insisted it was teacher who forced her in. blargh! I held the bunga manggar with Tzi Ying! She wore a cheongsam with a white shawl and she looked so ancient! So Chinese, and she looked good! I wore a saree. But I don't get what's so nice bout poking my fatty tummy just because it was showing! So if Puan Selvarani wears her saree like she always does, poke her stomach la?!

Next off, the day after sports day, was my grandpa's 80th birthday[and birthday party!] It was quite a biggy party. Mostly family, or so.. I had my own glass of wine, independantly. =) I had mummy's vodka though. Vodka hits you fast, but the taste, not so.. No la, I wasn't drunk la! I just wished I was! Well, being naive, I wanted to know what it's like being drunk mar. Anyway, towards midnight and later, 3 crazy cousins got bored so they danced in the patio enjoying themselves with loud music[when the birthday boy was already sound asleep!], the rest of the party people couldn't be bothered bout us! Well, we were that saddistic and cheapskate..and underaged, we couldnt hit a club. So, we used torch light! omg, so malu come to think of it. LOL!! No la, we were just enjoying la! I woke up the next day with a swelled pair of lips.

The rest of the days in school, have been rather lazy days. Been borrowing books to copy homework, imagine it's happening and we're so close to asspiam! Been quarrelling a lot with Ti Ming, but he's still my ming ming friend! Okla, I know the name ming ming sucks, but it sounds cute mar! Aiyor! Don't get angry la.. ming ming! Well, there was a morning in class when he said "F*CK YOU, AVRIL!",and as usual..."early early morning ade come and say fuck me?" and then I pout.. and he's laughing! That's my good friend I've been sitting with since early this year! He's the one who takes me seat almost every morning just because.."hot la.. I want the fan.. for while la...? "

I was really frustrated with everyone in my class today, well not everyone la.. literally everyone. And I'll call it a bad hair day cum totally annoying day! I miss daddy, he's in Hong Kong with my grandparents. Hmmm... I wonder what's that place like...? Anyway, I'm 20minutes late for Desperate Housewives! I'm not free to upload pictures! And I need my shower before I sleep! I need to read up my literature! I need to finish up the unfinished work! And here I am blogging for you to read what has happened to me! Aiyor...

Now, that actually makes 25mins late! Not 20! Bye!

take me to a place with golden streets

When dreaming I'm guided to another world
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place
'Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape
From the life I live when I'm awake
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?

Can you take me Higher?
To a place where blind men see
Can you take me Higher?
To a place with golden streets

Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?

Can you take me Higher?
To a place where blind men see
Can you take me Higher?
To a place with golden streets

So lets go there, lets go there,
Come on, lets go there
Lets ask can we stay?

Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Set up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine
Set up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine

Can you take me Higher?
To a place where blind men see
Can you take me Higher?
To a place with golden streets

Can you take me Higher?
To a place where blind men see
Can you take me Higher?
To a place with golden streets

Your Love Style is Storge

For you, love and friendship are almost the same thing And your love tends to be the enduring, long lasting kind (You've been known to still have connections with exes) But sometimes your love is not the most passionate Leap before you look, and you'll find that fire you crave

What's Your Love Style?

Just another late post by me.

I'm not into the mood of blogging anymore. Let's just say I've been through a hard time recently, it's not that one's death makes me another dead one or my blog another dead one. But I just don't want to. Maybe the mood will come along when the time comes. So this is just to inform readers or maybe those who visit my blog, steal my pictures[or maybe just Sanjay's photo when he was a kid], or whatever, that my blog would be left alone for quite awhile. You may leave notes in the tag, I do visit my own blog but I don't think I'll be posting. This is happening due to depression and lost. But let me share with you a beautiful mandarin song, that was sang to bid the cutest grandma ever, farewell.Also with that, I dedicate this song to her, and my grampa. May she have found grampa by now. With much love, this song is entitled Man Chang Fei.

Siang ping chiu chi man chang fei
Chai kwang ping ying kwang lai hei
Yue...sen..siang...
Tiau luan pai chai kow wei
Ni che yang luan pai, wo che yang sui
Ni che yang mei mau, wo che yang chui
Yue..sen.. siang...
Tiau luan pai chai kow wei!(HEY!)

**
Kow chuen ta pei, ching ching thui thui
Pu ye phai hwai, ai ye phai hwai
Ni che yang tui wo mei yen luan fei
Hai wo ching wan pu te an sui
Ta men tiau luan pai wo ye hui
Tiau te pi ta ken kow wei
Yue.. sen..siang..........
Tui tui chai man chang fei! (HEY!)

************************************

I'll try to get the singing of the song, and I'll post it up.
Now, I'm only doing this for Melanie's sake.
I've been tagged by her, so I'll do it, but I'm not tagging anyone. Lazy.

[8 things about my perfect lover]

1. I like someone who has plans for his future, not a confirmed one, but atleast an aim. Know what you want, even know what you want when you wanna be with me.

2. Hopefully, he'd be taller than me, even by a bit. Body, not too muscular, not too skinny[i hate to hug bones and skin that contain organs], not too fat either.

3. He shall have some ego like every guy/man does, but don't overdo it. Don't come and tell me that you're the most handsome/goodlooking guy in my world, cause Jamie Oliver always rocks!

4. I like a guy who plans surprises for me, makes me happy, but don't do stupid things in front of everyone and then say you're my boyfriend. It just wouldn't seem right. It's not that I'm not happy/proud to have a boyfriend like you, but [for an instance] if you can't skate on ice cause it's your first time, say so and don't tell me "I can.. I can.." but you still skate worse than a duck.

5. Have a nice sense of fashion, whether with your hair or dressing. I dislike seeing girls dress up nicely to a shopping mall holding hands with a guy in ugly shorts with slippers. Well if you plan to go to the mall super casual and laid back, you'd better stay at home. If you plan to bring me to a posh place to dine but it's a surprise, then tell me to dress up nicely cause you have a surprise for me.

6. He should return calls and reply sms-es. Well, if you don't then of course, it is getting obvious that you don't care. Secondly, don't reply just "k" in a freaggin sms. It turns me off, or rather, it reminds me of my daddy.

7. I love hugs from the back, like while I'm having a chat with friends, mr. boyfriend would come up to me form the back running his hands by my waist allowing me to rest in his arms on his chest,and then say "hey sweetie" with a peck on the cheek. And listen on with the conversation.

8. [gee, can I leave more than 8 here?] He shall love me and not change the person I am. He shall know that I'd love him till can die wan ar... So he better treat me like he should. He shall cook for me, and/or teach me how to cook better. Tell me he loves me, when he should. Never run away from me, in any way.

That 8th point obviously has so many more points in it. Honestly, I'll never be able to describe the idiot I'll call a perfect lover.[lol. idiot. lol!]I like a serious, tall guy, makes jokes, and really catchy ones. Yes, you may anytime call me a pig,you may anytime call me names to jokingly insult me, just as long as you let me know you're doing it all cause you love me. Guys who plan to be a pilot,or a cook, can easily turn me on. Well, your sweet talk skills have to be good too. You shall drink, but not a heavy drinker. You shall never smoke. You shall be yourself. Here's one thing I'm truly sensitive about. -If ever you see scars of eczema on my thighs or wherever, be nice and have sympathy that I sometimes cry when I scratch. Cause it doesn't help reduce the itch[doh..], but it irritates the skin. It's hurting when someone sees your scars and say "yer...", "ewww...", "yuck!", etc.., because it somehow tells you that it's making you ugly.

So much for today. I miss the recently passed, my Jie, my Kakak, my Pickle, and Keith. Jie's leaving for a competition in Ipoh soon, then after she comes back, she prepares to leave for Bangkok, and then straight to Melbourne for training. I wan't to go to Aussie after spm. And to Indonesia too! and Singapore! Aiyor, mainly Aussie and Indonesia la.. I've gotta go sleep now. Keith's enjoying his football not bothering my msg on msn. Then BongBong also not replying me. guys. guys and football. Goodnight readers, and picture thieves.