Il est 10heures dans le matin et deja, c'etait un jour que je deteste.

Pourqoui notre vie est toujours comme ca? Pourquoi il fait notre vie comme ca?

A duckling that made a difference in my family's life has passed on this morning. It is suspected that it drowned in the pond and its father may have been pecking on its head. Of course, as I am saying this it sounds impossible for a duck to drown as its their natural instincts to be able to swim! Anyway, we now only have 2 little ones.





I don't know how I'll take it if either one of these goes.





Aside from all these, I've heaps more running behind my mind and it has to go away.

And baby, I miss you. I'm sorry about last night. I should never doubt you at all, or even think of the possibilities. I love you.

How well do I know him?

1. He’s sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
Games that allow him to kill, some anime, or a cool movie!

2. You’re out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
Balsamic vinaigrette and olive oil I think

3. What’s one food he doesn’t like?
Organs of any animal.

4. You go out to the bar. What does he order?
If any, which is a small chance, Budějovický Budvar. Otherwise, beer!

5. Where did he go to high school?
Uhm... Launceston?

6. What size shoe does he wear?
11!

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?
Sneakers.

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
Epic sausage sandwich?

9. What would this person eat every day if he could?
Roast duck.

10. What is his favourite cereal?
Never has breakfast.

11. What would he never wear?
Anything he doesn't portray.

12. What is his favourite sports team?
Basketball.. uhm.. lakers was it?

13. Who will he vote for?
His mother.

14. Who is his best friend?
He's got too many. Not easy to be his good friend, but easy to make him your good friend.

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn’t do?
Plan or talk about what will happen next.

16. How many cities/countries has he lived in?
St Helens, Launnie, Melbourne? The suburbs in Victoria doesn't count. =P

17. What is his heritage?
Italian, Scottish, and Australian Aboriginal.

18. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake?
Date cake. I'll have to learn.

19. Did he play sports in high school?
I don't think so. He hated PE!

20. What could he spend hours doing?
Playing computer games, his nintendo, or reading his books. Otherwise, sleep!

I'm glad it's a short one. I might fail. =|

Do one on me!! =)

Rate me too!

I was awaken this morning...

This morning when I was awaken in bed, I smiled although I was still drained tired from the night before.

Everyday I'm drained tired from the things that happen here in Melbourne for me, and I think to myself, that it wouldn't be this bad if I hadn't made a rash and silly decision to step out of my own world and try to be in someone else's world. Every day and night, I still ponder about the what ifs. Amazingly I cannot let go of these 4 nights of my life that happened almost a year ago.

We ask ourselves why does this happen but we never find out why. We just move on eventually. But when is that time going to happen for me?

I'm given so much love from my family, and Ryan, yet I ponder into my recent past. I listen and read my previous post and I still feel the same as I did when I posted that. It still cuts. Why?

This feeling makes me feel so much guilt and like a liar in me. I love Ryan a lot and so much that I'll do what I can for him to be happy. And deep down, I feel somewhat guilty when I browse the idiot's page. I wish I knew an answer to my feelings. Sometimes I feel Ryan if is loving me less, but it's not so. It's just how I demand so much attention.

I try to let go everyday of this feeling that I've held on to for so long. And I pray I eventually do.

Because I knew how much Ryan loves me when I was awaken by him hugging me in bed this morning.

This too shall pass.

An excerpt from The Holiday (2006)
Excuse me if some aren't wholly correct, I played and paused numerous times to catch the lines.

Iris: ... that he wasn't in love with me like I thought. What I'm trying to say is I understand the feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible and how it can actually ache in places that you didn't know you had inside you.

And it doesn't matter how many haircuts or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends, you're still going to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think you were that happy? And sometimes you could even convince yourself and think they'll see the light and show up at your door.

And after all that, however long all that, maybe, you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people that make you worthwhile again and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff; all those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.



**************************

Someone going through an absolutely undeserving heart-breaking time of her life but is still able to speak with a little bit of faith knowing that it will all go away someday, yet she's crying while saying it.

I don't wanna close my eyes.

I had an amazing and adventurous 3 months when one of my best friends Nicole came back from Brisbane.

The first night we hung out was with 2 other friend Xue Li and Emily, at TwentyOne on Changkat Bukit Bintang.

I had the time of my life in December. Because I met this amazing person. The first person I ever confessed my feelings to. The first person I found cute in that bar and actually got to talk to. The first guy who gave me a present not given everyday; an aubergine. The first person I ever did something so crazy with. The first person who made me want to drive to the airport the first time. The person who managed to persuade me drink chai tea latte, which contains cinnamon. I never take cinnamon, not even smell. The first person I went to Rootz Club with. The first person that let me try Irish fudge. The first person to call me princess.

There are a lot more first encounters that happened, perhaps slightly intimate, that I would like to keep to myself.

I actually told this person "If I had to stop looking, I'd stop at you." Those were the exact words I said to him. The reaction I got was a very warm tight hug. And when I said "I really like you," I said it so easily, so real, so daring, bold and confident. The wonderful reply came in a whisper which I therefore needed him to repeat until I finally heard it the third time, "I really like you too!" Know why I wasn't sure he said so the first time? I didn't expect it. I wasn't sure I heard it right in whispers.

But now, baby, after more than 2 months, you tell me you're seeing this girl you "really like"? You said it, you really like her. And what about me? Who said it then? Who said it to me back then?

I held on, because I thought you felt the same and didn't want to rush things. You gave me lovey dovey smooches on webcam, you were excited to see me on transit, and now, you tell me you got scary messages from me, and you're seeing someone you really like??

WHAT IN THE F*CKING WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU MEN?!
CAN YOU G*DDAMMIT ONLY SAY WHAT YOU F*CKING MEAN?!
DO YOU HAVE A FREAGGIN' HEART?
DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW A GIRL WOULD FEEL?
DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW BAD YOU COULD HURT HER?
DO YOU EVER THINK HOW MUCH SOONER YOU COULD'VE BROKE THE NEWS AND LET HER MOVE ON AND NOT BUG YOU?

Sunshine, you wanna know how sad I am? I hope you're glad you made me this way.

I was watching a movie, The Sweetest Thing. Jane's boy's penis piercing gets stuck behind her tonsils while she gave him a BJ. Her girlfriends save the scene, everybody sang Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing; apparently singing calms the throat and it'll be released! Hey it's a funny scene, everyone was singing along!

Yeah I sang along too, in tears because the song only reminds me of you. I cried at a funny scene of a comedy movie!

Right now, I can only wait for time to pass and this misery you caused me to go away.

So you thought we'd be just friends after you leave? Then why did you say you should probably make more trips back to Malaysia? Yes your best friend is here but you said that when I asked what happens after "this". Anyway, after what happened, do you expect to see me the next time and just shake hands?? Hey, we kissed at TwentyOne after you asked me if you could kiss me, at every traffic light stop, in the mall, on the escalators, and before you went through the gates at the airport. And now, if we meet, we'll just say hi and smile, shake hands? You're the meanest person I ever had so much feelings for. So much so, it's so hard to give up and let go. Why I could hold on till 3 days ago when you told me you're seeing someone? Because of all the things we did together, the things you said, you did. Because of all those, I trusted you. I believed you can't be such a person. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. And look, I'm in humiliation and pain now.

Thank you baby.

I'm in my Funky Town tryna get outta ere.

I'm not happy about what I'm doing now. But I know when the time comes and I can't do this anymore, I'll be glad I did it.

Now, Muar is a really... messed up town? Well, they drive like drivers from hell. There ain't anything called a "signal" when driving, not even "giving way"... Oh, but you can park as you like; even right in front someone elses' house!

Food is cheap, unbelievably! HEh.. but if you're looking for a wi-fi spot, good luck! I'm in luck today. But won't be here for long. I might take a stroll by Tanjong Emas as it might be the only calming place, not too hectic, maybe just the kids in the playground.

Well, here's what I think about Muar food.

The pork porridge is yummy, how dare Geoffrey say it looks like bile?


But on second thoughts..

Then again, it tastes way different from bile! Atleast, that's what I think. Never actually tasted bile; it just comes out!!

Here's a lil bit more of Muar..


Fried oyster with egg (and flour)


My idea of funky town.


Nasi Beriyani Gam Muar.

I'm going back home tomorrow evening. I can't wait. LOL. This place is mean. And dusty. And smoky. And rude. And dirty. Nice only if you know the people. Oh, they barely want to learn to speak English.

I've been filling up my time here, watching my stack of DVDs I stocked myself up before leaving for here. The first two I watched, were about college graduates, initially so sure they took that course, got their scholarships, kept great grades. And then they leaving college without getting their dream job, and then eventually not knowing what to do. Today I watched a movie I bought just to remember Brittany Murphy who recently passed on. She was a girl who graduated from Law school in NYC, went to Tokyo to be with her boyfriend who eventually told her he isn't sure if she going over was a good thing. And he left Tokyo for work, never came back. She eventually work in a ramen shop. And fell for a Japanese guy. She opened her own ramen shop back in US later. My point is... really, what are all these telling me?? Do something crazy? Go, just go?

I know what I want, but it's unreachable and slightly impossible. But I'll do what it takes to prove myself. I'm not crazy, I just wanna break-free, not rebel.

with much love to whoever who reads me.
xx

The plan.

I've been watching too many DVDs of love and comedy. But at the end of the day, it seems to me they all make pretty much sense.

He's Just Not That Into You, a book I read long time ago. My sister passed it down to me. (Yeah, but we both still wait by the phone..) And then out came the movie itself. Sure was easier to understand. If you have to wait by the phone, it's about time to forget the guy. Well, until he calls you back..

PS. I Love You, taught me that no matter what you've shared with a loved one, if one has to go, they have to go. But it doesn't mean you have to forget all those memories. And only a loved one will let you go just so you'd be happy. So, let go if you love!

All About Steve, an amazingly hilarious movie! I was sitting at Starbucks one evening, waiting for my mom. I was totally laughing myself out in public, no I didn't snort. But it reflects to me, why am I doing the chase? I'm much more worth than needing to stalk. Well I don't stalk anyway, I only browse photos and be mesmerized. Whatever.. At the end of the movie, Mary says that if you have to stalk, you probably weren't meant to.

And so I'm trying my very best right now, to let go and let it come to me.

What people do not get about my decision is that I really want to leave this country. And if I can, of course I'd choose to be closer to him, to get to know him. I admit that I do not know much about him, almost nothing about him. But will I ever get to know more if we've got this distance between us? I'd prefer to get to know a person, in person than by reading things of his past. It would be great if he ever sent me an email though!!

I would love to go away from here. Why? Because I need a new environment. I dislike the situation of this country. I dislike the people here. No gratitude or courtesy, or manners! And it's not that I dislike what's at home too. I cherish everything, and I know I'll be sad when it's all gone. But I cannot move on with life if I choose to stay and be depended on. How long can I stay and be around? How much can I do? And I think it's about time. I have a positivity that I'll make it good there. Just that, why does it have to be so expensive? But yes, I'll make it through. Life shall change when I'm gone.

God, I hope you're guiding me through all these. I can't do this alone.

And to those reading, I'm hoping, to get a job at Club Med, until prior to July which is when I'd like to start classes in Melbourne. The him I speak of, is an amazing guy I met here in KL. I hope your plans work out well too, whatever they may be.