I don't wanna close my eyes.

I had an amazing and adventurous 3 months when one of my best friends Nicole came back from Brisbane.

The first night we hung out was with 2 other friend Xue Li and Emily, at TwentyOne on Changkat Bukit Bintang.

I had the time of my life in December. Because I met this amazing person. The first person I ever confessed my feelings to. The first person I found cute in that bar and actually got to talk to. The first guy who gave me a present not given everyday; an aubergine. The first person I ever did something so crazy with. The first person who made me want to drive to the airport the first time. The person who managed to persuade me drink chai tea latte, which contains cinnamon. I never take cinnamon, not even smell. The first person I went to Rootz Club with. The first person that let me try Irish fudge. The first person to call me princess.

There are a lot more first encounters that happened, perhaps slightly intimate, that I would like to keep to myself.

I actually told this person "If I had to stop looking, I'd stop at you." Those were the exact words I said to him. The reaction I got was a very warm tight hug. And when I said "I really like you," I said it so easily, so real, so daring, bold and confident. The wonderful reply came in a whisper which I therefore needed him to repeat until I finally heard it the third time, "I really like you too!" Know why I wasn't sure he said so the first time? I didn't expect it. I wasn't sure I heard it right in whispers.

But now, baby, after more than 2 months, you tell me you're seeing this girl you "really like"? You said it, you really like her. And what about me? Who said it then? Who said it to me back then?

I held on, because I thought you felt the same and didn't want to rush things. You gave me lovey dovey smooches on webcam, you were excited to see me on transit, and now, you tell me you got scary messages from me, and you're seeing someone you really like??

WHAT IN THE F*CKING WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU MEN?!
CAN YOU G*DDAMMIT ONLY SAY WHAT YOU F*CKING MEAN?!
DO YOU HAVE A FREAGGIN' HEART?
DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW A GIRL WOULD FEEL?
DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW BAD YOU COULD HURT HER?
DO YOU EVER THINK HOW MUCH SOONER YOU COULD'VE BROKE THE NEWS AND LET HER MOVE ON AND NOT BUG YOU?

Sunshine, you wanna know how sad I am? I hope you're glad you made me this way.

I was watching a movie, The Sweetest Thing. Jane's boy's penis piercing gets stuck behind her tonsils while she gave him a BJ. Her girlfriends save the scene, everybody sang Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing; apparently singing calms the throat and it'll be released! Hey it's a funny scene, everyone was singing along!

Yeah I sang along too, in tears because the song only reminds me of you. I cried at a funny scene of a comedy movie!

Right now, I can only wait for time to pass and this misery you caused me to go away.

So you thought we'd be just friends after you leave? Then why did you say you should probably make more trips back to Malaysia? Yes your best friend is here but you said that when I asked what happens after "this". Anyway, after what happened, do you expect to see me the next time and just shake hands?? Hey, we kissed at TwentyOne after you asked me if you could kiss me, at every traffic light stop, in the mall, on the escalators, and before you went through the gates at the airport. And now, if we meet, we'll just say hi and smile, shake hands? You're the meanest person I ever had so much feelings for. So much so, it's so hard to give up and let go. Why I could hold on till 3 days ago when you told me you're seeing someone? Because of all the things we did together, the things you said, you did. Because of all those, I trusted you. I believed you can't be such a person. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. And look, I'm in humiliation and pain now.

Thank you baby.