I wish this would never have to happen, but it did.

13years back in 1992... I was a 3 year old toddler. Never wanted to open up my mouth to say a word... People thought I was dumb. I would only give long, hard stares at everyone but mummy. This person came into our house one day. She wore this big flare skirt, with some sorta long sleeved frilly shirt. I gave her MY stare again... Mummy told me to lead her upstairs to HER room... If I'm not wrong, I held her hand, led her upstairs. Mummy told me to call her "kakak"... She didn't call me with my own name too... She called me 'baby' everytime...

Then I continued living my life with her everyday, bathing me, feeding me[well watching me eat], play with me, be my back up when I fight with jie, scold the both of us at times, when we play with mummy's make-up... =)

I remembered one time, we sorta argued, I don't know why. I was so short then, but yet tried to be big bully,was showing my hand like as if I wanted to slap her. Gawd, I'm a rascal...Owh well, I didn't manage to do so anyway.

Not forgetting those days, when I've learnt to bathe by myself.. BUT... I had to yell out for her from the toilet, and then "kak, tolong check rambut saye?"...

I don't remember when she stopped calling me 'baby', perhaps when she finally knew how to pronounce my name...


About every 2 years she'd go back to Indonesia and be with her family for a few weeks.. Even then I'd be sobbing in the airport... Then insisting I go to the airport when daddy wants to pick her up after that.

I grew up almost all my life with her in it... The day has come we part... After this morning, when her flight departs at 9am, I'm living a new life. Her sister would be ere to take over her... She's starting a family... I'm so happy for her! I've been listening to her tummy and feeling that little fetus inside kicking through my ears... I do wish she wouldn't have to leave, but she has her own family, I realise... I've been telling myself not to be selfish...

But what can I do, these tear drops are not for me to control if they ned to pour... It's a promise I made, in 2 years time, I'll be in Indonesia to feel the life of village ppl... Whether with my family or not, I must be there!

Kakak, I know you'll never be able to read this, techology ain't that great back at your place, but I know that you know how I feel deep down inside my heart, after these 13years of ups and downs, twists and turns, and of live! A place kept specially for you, deep in my heart. I'll miss you more than Pickle, I'd dare say... Love you! Always! and I'll never stop sobbing every night.